Confessions of a gum swallower…

Don’t Swallow Your Gum!!

Some quotes from the story…

Several weeks ago, I purchased a fairly large quantity of Dubble Bubble for my daughter’s gum ball machine. The amount of gum I acquired was directly proportional to my own developed taste for the product, since it resembled crack cocaine in addictiveness. After originally buying the pre-filled gum ball machine, I’d proceeded to consume almost the entire contents in just a few short days…

Alas, I was destined for trouble. After consuming such a vast quantity of bubble gum, certain bodily processes started to become strange. My bowel movements rotated from frequent to nearly constipated for several days. For the life of me, I couldn’t predict at what point the need to crap would attack. When I did plop down to plop, both the defecation process and the subsequent wiping would seem almost…


This went on for another day or two. It was only then that an event occurred that would change my philosophy on gum swallowing forever.

I can’t use the hand razor I shave my face with, certainly; would I be able to shear my whiskers every morning while knowing where it had been? That microglobs of poo-gum were being ground into my cheeks and neck?

No, certainly not! I do, however, have a small beard trimmer that might do the job. It was only a few dollars at Wal-Mart, after all; I can burn it when I’m done. Alrighty then, pants off, left leg up on the sink, offending mass of bubble gum presented comfortably, mirror positioned on the floor to help me aim. Okay, razor on, let’s do this thing!


I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.

New Design


I’ve decided to redesign the page; everything is redone, but still in my own personal style. The layout is based wholly on the Paaseiland design by Martijn ten Napel. I’ve moved some stuff around, tweaked some colors and added my own personal favorite piece of God’s creation – the human skull.

Leave some feedback, let me know what you think.


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A Response

So I check my email this morning (okay, it was 1 in the afternoon) and I see this email, a reply to the last post:

George Nemeth said… Sorry you think Cleveland is so hellish. It’s really a great town. If you come back ever, let me know. Come Back Sometime, Jayson

Of course, I was required by law to visit the entry he’s referred to… on which I read:

Chris Miller thinks there’s gonna be a fight, but after a good night’s sleep I’m not as surly. Jayson Whepley refers to Cleveland as hell and Ohio as hellish. (Is that an allusion to Dante’s Inferno?) I’m sure a married campus minister who’s into rock climbing and disc golf from Western PA who came to town to see a standup comedian in Lakewood, and had nachos @ Alice Cooperstown might get that impression.
So here’s my proposal. If Jayson comes back to Cleveland anytime soon, I propose we take him some places that aren’t so hellish. Disc Golfing at the Park in Euclid? The handful of rock wall gyms around town? He’s a coffee lover – there’s any number of independent coffee shops in town.
Brewed Fresh Daily » Come back sometime, Jayson

I also checked out the link about someone fighting me and read:

Cleveland is Hell? HELL? Ohio is Hellish? Good grief, man. Them’s fightin’ words.
Unquiet Desperation » eWhelp: Cleveland is hell

Maybe I’m a little harsh on Ohio and Clevo… I was obliged to respond – here’s the text of my response to George…

Okay, I don’t often admit it, but I dislike Cleveland less than I let on – though I have had some pretty bad things happen to me many times that I’ve been in the city (if you count Euclid). Carjacking, being 20 feet from someone puncturing a can of pepper spray, One Life Crew… those are the ones that top the list.

I am willing to admit that last night was a very enjoyable time – I mean, you really can’t beat Brian Regan live followed by a good beer. That combined with my wife’s last birthday (maybe two years ago) at the Clevo Art Museum may have evened out the scales.

I’m always willing to meet new people and be proven wrong even if dissing Clevo and Ohio in general has just been a part of my personal repitoir (I am certain that is spelled wrong) for a while now – though I have always said that individual people from Ohio or Clevo are exceptions. To clarify, there are some things that probably won’t be overcome – like the fact that
I’m a Steelers fan.

I’d love to take you up on your offer… next time I’m in the area.


Let’s see how well this goes, I have no qualms of moving West Virginia into #1. And, yes, “them’s fightin words!”